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Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
      
      Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.
      
      Half the people you know are below average.
      
      How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
      
      I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
      
      I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
      
      I finally got my head together and then my body fell apart.
      
      I never start something that I am not going to fi
      
      If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
      
      If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
      
      I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done already.
      
      Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
      
      Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead, I will move my TV into the bedroom.
      
      Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
      
      Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
      
      Love is grand. Divorce is 20 grand.
      
      Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
      
      Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
      
      My blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
      
      Old age comes at a bad time.
      
      One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make someone gain five pounds.
      
      One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
      
      People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
      
      Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
      
      Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree!
      
      Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.
      
      The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
      
      Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
      
      You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
      
      Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
      
      You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

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