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  Lawyer One Liners 1  

      Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
      A: The tick falls off of you when you die.
      Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
      A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
      Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
      A: Retired.
      Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.
      Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
      A: The caterer.
      Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
      A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
      Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
      A: Their personalities.
      Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
      A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
      Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
      A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
      Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
      A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
      Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
      A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
      Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
      A: His lips are moving.
      Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
      A: That might be your bicycle.
      Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
      A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
      Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

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