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Clean jokes, funny jokes, free jokes, and clean lawyer jokes and humor about lawyers, criminals, judges, the law, cops, and more. Lawyer One Liners 1 Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
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